Of Lawls and Not Much Else
by Coqui's Song
Summary: At the risk of making these "mainstream," I am writing my own collection of lulzy LawlClan adventures. Read at your own risk.


**So I finally write one of these. XD **

**If you're not a LawlClanner, you can still read it, but you probably won't understand. Even some new regs probably won't understand this chapter, unless they read old threads. But hopefully old regs will lawl, along with everyone else. (But probably not, as I'm not very good at writing comedy. I'll try.) Also, I ramble a bit. Because rambling is awesome and totally accepted in a humor piece. Right? ****  
**

_Of Lawls and Not Much Else_

By: _Coqui's Song_

Chapter One

The only thing peaceful about that evening was the sky, with its gorgeous hues of orange and pink as the sun set on the horizon. There was only one cloud in the sky, and it looked almost purple in the dying sunlight. Meanwhile, in the camp, apprentices were head-butting each other, then laughing at their own stupidity. Squirrelpaw had stolen some Danish wine from the sexy Lightpaw, and was now downing the booze like it was water. The long-furred white she-cat yelled at Squirrelpaw, "No stealing! It's against the rules!"

To which the ginger apprentice grinned and slurred, "Screw the rules! I have booze!"

Lightpaw's yellow eyes flashed, and she pounced on Squirrelpaw. The ginger she-cat hit the white apprentice with the empty bottle, but apparently it didn't hurt, because the sexy Danish apprentice shook it off and leapt at the drunk apprentice again.

On the other side of the clearing, warriors were nomming on their delicious **BACON**, tossing some scraps to Dawnheart because she was too lazy to go look for Twoleg table scraps on her own. Then again, that was a good thing, because while LawlClanners loved to eat, they always left some scraps. (The reason is unknown. Barely any cat in LawlClan cares about their figure. Perhaps they only leave scraps is because the cream-colored she-cat doesn't do anything to hunt for herself, and they revere the senior warrior so much, they don't dare cross her. But then, when Dawnheart goes on patrols, she _does _hunt. So maybe it's just some weird custom that those backwoods LawlClanners came up with, because when she's not in camp, they still discard scraps away carelessly around the clearing.) Without Dawnheart eating the scraps, it was very likely the LawlClannian table scraps would eat _them_.

It was, in essence, a normal day in the LawlClan camp. And it was just how Frogsong, the groovy deputy of LawlClan, liked it. The small light brown she-cat nodded at her former apprentice Wolfblaze to join her for the dusk patrol. She and the large dark gray tom passed the apprentices, and Wolfblaze called out, "Blazepaw. Come on the patrol with us."

The dark gray tabby she-cat's ears pricked, and she left the bickering apprentices to join them. Frogsong debated asking Lightpaw to come along as well to get her away from Squirrelpaw, but their argument had become a play-fight, and she knew apprentices would be apprentices. The speckled brown deputy shook her head fondly and set out with Wolfblaze and Blazepaw closely following.

Frogsong set a brisk pace once out in the forest, but it was no problem for Wolfblaze, with his long legs, and Blazepaw, who was rather old for an apprentice, to keep up. She continued on without a word, just wanting to get to the border, mark it, and return home, hopefully with some prey.

Suddenly the deputy of LawlClan was aware that she didn't hear the other two cats' pawsteps right behind her. She glanced back, her emerald green eyes flashing in irritation when she didn't see the mentor and apprentice. _I guess Blazepaw scented a mouse or something and Wolfblaze is checking her hunting skills._ The small speckled she-cat turned around and followed their scent trails. It wasn't long, really, took only a couple of minutes to find them staring at the ground in a small clearing, eyes widened in awe.

"What's going on here?" she inquired, her loud, authoritative voice echoing in the strangely silent forest. Frogsong's fur prickled self-consciously, for she had an unusual feeling that she was interrupting some special occurrence.

Her former apprentice responded in a hushed whisper. "Come here." Wolfblaze flicked his tail to reinforce his words, but they needed no emphasis. Frogsong's curiosity had already led her to inch her way and squeeze in between the mentor and apprentice.

She gasped.

On the ground, partly covered with dead leaves and smudged with dirt, was a shiny metal Twoleg object. The silvery metal sparkled with the light of the moon and stars. It had a black handle for Twolegs to grab onto, and a something that looked like a snout on its side. Frogsong didn't know much about Twolegs or Twoleg things, since she was a rogue before she joined LawlClan, but she did know more than the average Clan cat. Then again, every LawlClan cat had a good knowledge of Twolegs, like they were formally called _humans__, _their monsters were actually called _cars, _and they, like many LawlClan cats, enjoyed drinking booze. Huh. Maybe the LawlClan deputy _did_ know a lot about Twolegs.

Therefore, Frogsong knew that this particular Twoleg object was called a kettle. "It's a-"

"Kettle, I know," Blazepaw finished, her sexy Australian accent making it impossible for the deputy to be angry with the apprentice for interrupting her.

"Shhhh!" said Wolfblaze impatiently, edging closer to the metal object, his ears pricked, listening closely. The dark gray warrior put his eat against the cold metal and flinched back with a startled yelp. "It _talks._"

"Don't be ridiculous. How can it talk?" Frogsong scoffed.

"I'm serious, Frogsong, it talks. Listen!" the warrior insisted, his amber eyes blazing with intensity.

The deputy blinked and leaned closer.

_"LawlClan. LawlClan. Is this LawlClan?"_

Trembling with shock, the speckled brown she-cat nodded, her throat dry. "It is."

_"Are you the one they call Spiderstar?"_

"She's not," said a new voice, and Frogsong jumped when she realized the leader of LawlClan was right next to her. "But I am."

"Spiderstar!" Frogsong breathed. "When did you get here?"

"While you were arguing with Wolfblaze. I figured I'd wait till he proved you wrong to make my presence known." The sexy long-legged golden-and-brown tabby she-cat grinned, while her deputy's skin flushed with embarrassment under her speckled fur.

The kettle's voice was louder now, repeating _"LawlClan, LawlClan, LawlClan."_

"Yes?" all four cats asked the kettle at the same time, their voices awed whispers.

_"Don't you want to know who I am?"_

"Y-you're a kettle," Frogsong stuttered, "isn't that all?"

_"I am not _a_ kettle. I am _the_ Kettle. The Holy Kettle! Hear me RAWR!"_

"O-okay," said Spiderstar, her long tail lashing. "So what do you want from us?"

_"Worship."_

"Very funny," Wolfblaze muttered. "We worship StarClan, not some filthy Twoleg item."

_"And yet you have no qualms about worshiping the Dirty Shovel, do you, Wolfblaze?" _

That shut the dark gray warrior up. Frogsong allowed herself a little smirk, slightly glad that someone had put her former apprentice in his place. Of course, Wolfblaze was an irritating know-it-all, but he _did_ know it all. Or at least, that's how he came across.

"Guys," Blazepaw meowed, "The Holy Kettle is right. We worship the Dirty Shovel. This isn't any different. We worship them _and_ StarClan. Nothing's wrong with that."

"Blazepaw, ever the voice of reason," the leader of LawlClan laughed. "Yes, Blazepaw, of course we'll worship the Holy Kettle. It's the freaking Holy Kettle."

_"I'm glad you see my point. Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to go to camp with you all and be worshiped there. Oh, and if you could wash off all this dirt I have on me, so I can be shiny, that'd be nice too. I'm not the Dirty Kettle, I'm the Holy Kettle. Hear me RAWR!"_

"No problem," Spiderstar replied, ignoring the repeated 'hear me RAWR,' and then turned to Frogsong. "You're my minion- I mean deputy. Do as the Holy Kettle says. I'll finish the patrol with Blazepaw and Wolfblaze."

The pale brown she-cat sighed and forced a smile. "Yes, Spiderstar. I am your loyal minion."

"Great, it all worked out nicely, then." The leader of LawlClan gestured with her head to the mentor and apprentice, and they followed her into the bushes to finish the patrol. Frogsong was left alone with the Holy Kettle. She grabbed the Twoleg handle with her teeth and dragged the Kettle to a nearby stream.

_"Do you know your destiny, Frogsong?"_

"Yes," she mumbled around the handle, straining with the weight of the heavy metal object.

_"What is it?" _

She let go of the handle once she'd reached the stream. "To be deputy of LawlClan."

_"You're already deputy. What else?"_

"That's it," she replied, grinning. "I'm deputy forever, and I don't mind that, Holy Kettle."

_"You won't pray to me for anything?" _

"Not if I don't need it." Frogsong grabbed the handle again and held The Holy Kettle in the stream until the clear water had washed off all the dirt. Now the silvery moon's rays made the shiny metal Kettle glimmer beautifully.

_"Your really weird."_

"My really weird what?" Frogsong smirked. "You used the wrong _your._ You'd think a divine Kettle would have better grammar."

_"How can you even tell if I used the wrong your if I'm talking to you, not writing?!" _

"I can't. I was just bored."

_"You are infuriating."_

"Hmm, haven't gotten that compliment before. Thank you."

Raising her tail, the LawlClan deputy dragged it to camp. There, she received a whole bunch of questions as to why she was carrying a kettle. She ignored them all until she had found a nice place for the Kettle, on top of a flat rock that wasn't the Modrock, which was where Spiderstar made her announcements. It was under a bush that wasn't being used as a den, and it was right across the camp from the Dirty Shovel. Frogsong thought about how nice it was to be surrounded by deities. Now that she'd set it down, she would answer.

"This is the Holy Kettle. We're to worship it along with the Dirty Shovel," Frogsong told them.

"All hail the Holy Kettle, then," said Dawnheart generously, her gray eyes glittering.

"Ebul Dawnhat!" Fawnpaw, Dawnheart's apprentice, screeched at her mentor. "I wanted to say it first!"

"Well, too bad for you." The cream-colored warrior shot a triumphant smirk at her apprentice.

"Newoenksjsailamaiaowa," growled Fawnpaw, banging her head on the Kettle's rock. _Hopefully not too hard, _thought Frogsong, smarting as she watched the brown tabby apprentice.

An awkward silence followed. Then:

"Holy Kettle! Holy Kettle!" Owlstrike said, her dappled brown pelt sticking up in excitement, but she was grinning shyly, as if unsure if this was the right way to break the silence. It was.

Her chant spread until every LawlClan cat was chanting along with her. "Holy Kettle! Holy Kettle!"

"We worship you, Holy Kettle!"

**Abrupt ending for the win! 8D **

**So yeah. Will be updated randomly.**

**You may or may not review. **

_**~Coqui's Song**_


End file.
